Say It And Be Free | Ep. 4

Erin Washington shares her deeply personal journey about hidden struggles with body image and disordered eating to living a life of authenticity and purpose. In this powerful conversation, she opens up about vulnerability, self-worth, and the courage to speak the truth, even when it’s uncomfortable. Erin reveals how embracing her story led to healing, alignment, and the creation of her Blue Butterfly Foundation, helping others feel seen and empowered.

https://jenaks.com/

My Book: Your Body is Speaking

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🎵 Music by Max Lilivois @prd.maxxell

Chapters:

00:00 – Introduction to Erin Washington

04:30 – Identity, Soccer, and Losing Self-Worth

09:00 – Hidden Struggles with Body Image & Eating Disorders

13:30 – The Turning Point

20:00 – Learning to Trust Your Body

25:30 – Creating the Blue Butterfly Foundation

34:00 – Signs, Intuition, and Following Nudges

41:00 – Leadership Through Authentic Living

44:00 – Modeling Truth for Your Children

47:00 – Final Message: Trust Yourself and Your Story

✨ Thank you for listening!

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Okay, talk about courageous vulnerability. This woman, Erin Washington, represents that statement better than anybody I know. She wears her heart on her sleeve and she has a podcast where she does this day in and day out. She opens up her soul to the world with her struggle and her pain and her journey and her awakenings and her revelations and her pivots and her traumas, all of it, because she wants to help you open your heart to the truth of who you are, to the joy of who you are, to the pain of who you are, in the hopes that we just strip it all down and be real and show up authentically and lead our life from the inside out. I am so honored and so privileged to have her here today. Oh my gosh, you are in store for a great conversation. I'm thrilled to be sharing this with you today. Here we go. Welcome to the Wisdom from Within podcast. My name is Jen Axe, and I am your host. This is where mindset meets body set, where we access both so that we can make the most genuine, authentic, empowered impact on those we love and those we serve. Let's get started. We're ready to rock it, rock it out. Oh my gosh. I am so, so, so excited to have you with me today. This is Erin Washington, people. She is a best-selling author, wellness podcast host, and founder dedicated to helping women feel seen, empowered, and less alone. She hosts the popular Therin P with Erin Washington, the Erin Washington Podcast. No, it's Therin P with Erin Washington Podcast, okay, where she shares raw, honest conversations about body image, self-worth, sobriety, co-parenting, and life's messiest transitions, bringing vulnerability and humor to topics that so many of us avoid. A former Division I athlete, Erin struggled with disordered eating and body image for decades before finding peace and self-acceptance in her late 30s. Her journey fuels her mission to uplift others, especially teenage girls, through mentorship and community. In 2022, she founded the nonprofit Blue Butterfly Foundation, creating safe spaces for girls to gain confidence and resilience. Erin lives in the Atlanta area with her two children, balancing motherhood, entrepreneurship, and meaningful work that inspires growth, connection, and deep transformation. I love it. You're incredible. And I am I am so happy to have you here today because this podcast, Wisdom from Within, is all about connecting our human stories, talking about them so that we can unlock and hear the wisdom inside of those stories, our struggles, our joys, our successes, the whole journey, so that we can lead, so that we can lead authentically. And so it's the human story piece connected to how it impacts our leadership in the world. And you have lived on both sides of this coin. And you've got such an incredible story to tell. And I know you've shared it many times. And I'm honored and thrilled that you're here with me to share it with our listeners here. So welcome, welcome, welcome.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

It is absolutely my pleasure to be here with you. And just to tell you like your little voice notes that like pet me up. If everyone just had a Jen Axe in their life, you can't have Jen. Jen's mine. But find somebody that sends you little hype notes. Like it really means a lot to me. You really make me feel seen. And I appreciate you so much.

SPEAKER_01 4:21

Oh my gosh. Well, you're incredible. I am very inspired by your journey. And I know everyone that's listening will become inspired as well. I would love it if we could just kind of like dive in to you and your journey around how you really went from it sounds like, you know, a place of not listening to your body, not listening to that wisdom from within, to a place of listen, listening to that wisdom. So what was that journey like? Could you, you know, share a bit about it?

SPEAKER_00 4:56

Absolutely. I always say my journey starts with soccer. Um, I started playing when I was four, and I don't know if somebody just said I overheard people saying I was good at soccer, but at some point in childhood, I made that my value and why I was important. And I played, you know, all the way through. I was varsity at freshman, started varsity. I played division one uh college soccer. So did my three younger sisters. And nobody looked at it as like their value. Nobody was as obsessive like I was, but we were state champions back to back. I was the captain, I never came off the field, and I wouldn't have it any other way. When people asked where I was going to school, it was always like for soccer. And for some reason, I made that my value. So growing up, I did struggle with body image and I kind of hit it in soccer. I was fit and thin for soccer, but it was actually anorexia. And I had convinced myself that like being thinner would make me a better athlete, would make me faster. I took it too far in high school, um, to a point where like a coach had said, you know, your crosses aren't strong anymore, like you're losing all the strength in your legs. And when he equated it to soccer, my only value, I was like, oh shit, like I gotta, I gotta eat. So then my eating disorder evolved into exercise bulimia, which I feel like a lot of people do and they don't realize it's an eating disorder, where you work off everything that you eat. And for me, it was like to the point where I was jotting down every calorie and then going on an elliptical to cancel it out. And that's through college, in college, not yet realizing that soccer was my value and my identity. Um, I wasn't playing. And I came in and like I won the fitness competitions and felt like I was earning a place on the field and it wasn't fair. So, kind of on a whim, I quit my sophomore year. And that's when I realized how much it was my identity. And I was living in the soccer house. And the girls were like, go on away trips. And I was sitting in the house, and it was like, why am I even at this school if I'm not playing soccer? There's nothing else for me now. Um, I fell into a deep depression. Uh, bulimia started in college, and just having no self-worth, losing the only thing that I've found value in. And coming out of that, um, I was stopped doing the behaviors after a few years. I struggled with bulimia probably for about 10 years. That's when I met my husband, not having a lot of self-confidence. He was shiny and in the NFL, he was a pro bowl linebacker, and I got value from being his pick. Like he validated me. Like he's important, he's shiny, he likes me, so therefore I have value. So just a lot of validating through body and sport and relationships and not really seeing my self-worth. And then when I finally did step into self-worth after I got my body image stuff in check, happy to go into how I did that. Um my relationship wasn't aligned anymore. It was like when I really stepped into who I actually was, my relationship kind of fell away. And I filed for divorce two and a half years ago. Um, I put out a book, Squats and Margaritas: A Journey to Finding Balance, which was a lot about how I got through my body image stuff, but then had another evolution into like once that was off me, there was a little bit more time to look at my drinking. Um, again, squats and margaritas was my brand, but I didn't really want to drink anymore. And I really wanted to like talk about mental health and anxiety and relationships. Pivoted my brand to therapy with Aaron Washington, started a foundation for teen girls struggling with body image and self-worth, which was something that I could have used while I was in high school that didn't exist. Um, so now we have mentors and women coming and sharing their stories, and I've never felt more lit up by what I was doing. And I know we talked about it um when you were on my show, but like I named it Blue Butterfly because I was getting these hits in my body and seeing this blue butterfly and listening to the hits that I was getting put me on a different, more aligned path. I've never felt more aligned with why my soul is on this planet. But again, it also came with ending my marriage and now navigating dating in my mid-40s with two kids. And now I'm just sharing these conversations. I talk about co-parenting, sobriety, divorce every week with somebody else that will be equally as vulnerable or a coach or mental health professional, so the other women can hear my story, see themselves in my story, maybe get the answers that they're looking for without having to be vulnerable themselves. So therapy is me doing therapy, is me doing therapy. So you don't have to. And I'm never this is I know why I went through all the struggles before to come out on the other end to share my story and create something that didn't exist. And I on one side I'm happier than ever, but it's also a very like evolving, confusing journey of like not knowing what's next and just being open to what's next.

SPEAKER_01 10:07

Oh my God. I mean, there's so much in there. There's so much in there. And first of all, I just want to share that like your platform and how you do it is incredible, the where you have come to be able to be so vulnerable and just talk to people. And almost I remember when I was on your podcast, you were like, I feel like I get to meet all these experts and do therapy from with me, with all of these people that and it's just like how you've crafted this. It's like your story is so relatable. There's so many nuances. Anyone can grab a moment of your life and relate to you. And I'm so, I'm so just grateful for your vulnerability and your courage, your courage to be able to talk about everything. It's so incredible. I want to talk about that for a second. How does that feel in your body when you are being so vulnerable? You know, is yeah, go.

SPEAKER_00 11:10

Lighter. Like I feel lighter. I was carrying so much. And again, this I have to say, this story was never, I was never going to share these things. And for me, my big thing was bulimia. Like, I can't think of anything that's more gross and embarrassing and shameful. And I carried that for so long. Again, I was homecoming queen, I was prong queen, I was captain of the soccer team. Like nobody knew what was going on inside. For it was a lot to uphold that. I felt like I had to be that, and people saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. So I tried to just like control it with my body and was hiding all these shameful behaviors. I stopped doing the behaviors. And then, like I said, when I finally got my body in check by actually listening to my hunger cues, not starving myself, not over-exercising, I found my physical ideal, which it's not about a physical ideal, but that is what happened by me listening to my body. And I went to put out a book to help women find their best bodies. And I was like, it's not about cardio, it's not about uh starving yourself. When I went to write that book of writing coach, was like, who are you? Like, are you a trainer? Are you a nutritionist? And I'm like, no, but like I have done all the things and now I found this way. And she's like, You have no credibility unless you share your story. And Jenna, I was like, absolutely not. Like, nobody found out. Like I had packed it all away. I stopped doing the behaviors. I can just go to my grave and nobody will know. But she pushed me and she was like, No one is gonna listen to you unless you share where you came from. And one day I wrote it, I didn't even send it back to her yet. And you asked how it feels in my body to be this vulnerable. The weight that I had been carrying for decades was off. And again, not even somebody else knowing yet, me releasing it to the universe. So I will say to anyone listening that still feels heavy, what is that thing that you are still carrying? And it could be something that happened to you, something was not your fault, something that happened in the past, something nobody knows, maybe you don't do it anymore. I'll give you a hint. It's whatever you're thinking of right now. Get in there. Like that is where the magic is. And then you find purpose out of that dark time that now has a reason. And there, it's not in vain. Any struggle that you went through was for purpose. And if you haven't found something that profoundly lights you up yet, get in there. Maybe it's in that thing. And again, if you're not doing it anymore, there's somebody else that is and that will see your story and how you came out of it. And you can find purpose through that dark thing that you're carrying. And you may think, no, I don't do it anymore. You're still carrying it. And you don't have to write a book, but journal it. Tell your husband, tell somebody and get it off you. And once that is off, it's like the rest of your life opens up. Like now I was like, I had so much more time to be like, now what can I do with this? And when you share it, and it's scary, but I can tell you it for me personally, like the DMs that I get of women being like me too. I've never told anyone, like, thank you for sharing it. Know that you're not alone. Everybody struggles with whatever you're struggling with, just not everyone says it out loud. So you can create a community and a space for people to feel safe talking to you by sharing that dark thing that you were never going to get into. So, me sitting here today and you talking about my vulnerability, it almost and likely was not going to ever happen. And I don't know where I would be if I kept that buried, but it's still you're carrying it in your body. You know, the body keeps the score, even if it's not happening anymore. And I feel lighter, like in short, to answer that question. And I feel lit up, and it all came from that dark thing that I was never going to share.

SPEAKER_01 14:53

Isn't that unbelievable? The very thing that held us back. I mean, for me, it was feeling stupid in school. I didn't do well in my SAT scores, and I created this story about myself that I wasn't smart and I carried it for two decades, and it took me completely out of my body. I never, I had so much shame about it. And you're a hundred percent right because when I came to a place of starting to feel comfortable, and it still took me a long time. Like I was in my early 30s, still not sharing this stuff. I would actually, I write about this in my book when I would leave tables that like people would put the trivia pursuit game down. And you do you even know trivia pursuit? Yes. Okay, because we are like a decade apart in age.

SPEAKER_00 15:37

No one would ever guess that. Don't say that.

SPEAKER_01 15:40

Oh, oh, I don't care. Um, I have no connection or no like attachment to age whatsoever. I think it's just a number and whatever. That's a whole other conversation, sort of. But anyhow, so um, yes, people would like put this to you and I would freak out. My whole body would go into like paralysis. I would go get sick. Like it was, it was unbelievable. And then when I finally realized that there is intelligence within us that is just not taught about in school, kinesthetic, emotional, all the beautiful things that make us who we are, my life totally changed. And I started to share it. And by sharing it with the world, really did lift that for me. So I completely understand. And I love that you said that. I'm curious about you said this woman, your um editor, was it, or your publisher?

SPEAKER_00 16:27

She was like a writing coach.

SPEAKER_01 16:29

Yeah. So she was right. So she's like, you need to share. And you were like, it was so hard for you, but you did it pen to paper or fingers to computer. I don't know which. How long, like, what was that journey? How long did that take you to get it really out? And then until you started to say, okay, I'm ready to kind of share this with the world.

SPEAKER_00 16:48

Well, it was immediately off me as soon as I wrote it, but I tried to write around it.

SPEAKER_01 16:53

Did you think we long time to write it?

SPEAKER_00 16:54

Yeah, I tried to write around it. I was like, no, no, no. Like, I just want to help the women. And like I found a different way. And she's like, no one's gonna buy this book. Like, you don't have any credibility. And it got, I mean, I was in my, I think I was 38 when I wrote my first book. And it took me and two kids to, I think a lot of women too. Like, you you finally feel a little bit more comfortable when you like get closer to 40. And it's just kind of like, this is I don't know. Like, I I don't know what finally made me write it. I guess that to be like, maybe like my pride was like, I'm not gonna sell any books, nobody's gonna, it's okay. She's telling me I have to share, I have to like get some credibility. So it forced it out of me. But like, I don't mean a few months, and then I had to have conversations with like my family. They knew something was going on with me, but nobody knew. And I had to be like, Well, I have a book coming out, so I'm gonna have to share, but it's so not heavy anymore. Like, I talk about bulimia so openly, and when I'm telling you, this was like the scariest, most shameful thing. Once it's off you, it's only heavy because it's like in the dark, like you're keeping that's why it's scary and heavy. Once you talk about it, and I talk about everything now because I got the big thing off. So you just have to trust, like once it's off, and it's so like you're not the only one. And you the only reason you think it is is because it's a scary, kept away thing. Everybody struggles, not everyone says it out loud. Get it off of you. And again, if you're not profoundly lit up by something, that's probably what's holding you back. And I get it. And it's like, no, if I don't say it, people, I had this reputation to uphold. I'm married to an NFL player, like, like I said, like a division one athlete. I had all these like things that like titles that I I was very validated by like titles and relationships, and I could have kept it quiet and like have other people see me, like, oh, she's got it all together. But like this purpose and alignment only came from sharing it. Like, I could have just had this like meh life, like but like now I have this lit up life because I got in there. So did we talk about human design when you were on my show?

SPEAKER_01 18:58

A little bit, but you can go into it.

SPEAKER_00 19:00

My human design is a generator, and it's a sacral generator, and I feel things in my body. So, like, I have to share this with you because to know that about you, and it's like where the moon was when you were born, you need to know your the city you were born in, the time, and your birthday, obviously. And there's like it'll tell you like how you make decisions. And finding out I was a sacral generator almost just like gave me permission to trust my body. It's like some people they need to like make decisions. I think it's uh projector, like they have to have it projected back. Like, um, if you're that, you got to run it by somebody else. And then it's like you feel better about a decision. Sacral generators, it's like you get a feeling in your body, and that is your knowing. And the girl that did the reading, she was like, if you're taking your kids to soccer practice and it's supposed to be a left and something is telling you to go right, you go right because that is how your body makes decisions. And it again, it gave me permission to be like, no, I feel these things. And I even I got a very like thorough reading, and she's like, yours is very much around other people's safety. And I could have sworn we talked about this. I I've saved people, like it's happened multiple times where I will just feel something in my body and not ignore it. Like one time I was in my house, I was nowhere near the front door, and something was telling me to go to the front door, and it didn't make logical sense. But I'm like, I go to the front door, and my elderly neighbor was getting mail, and she forgot to put her car in park. And I guess she went to like do stop it, but it was still going. She's being dragged across my front lawn by her car, and she's like 78 years old. And I look outside, I run over, I like step over her, put the car in park, get her up, and she was like, You're my angel. And how like I why I was at the front door, like something was like, go to the front door, and it wasn't logically making sense. Another time there was this man that um he was a fan of my dad's. My dad played in the NFL, and he's just been somebody that's around our family. And every Christmas, this is the only thing he looks forward to is coming to Christmas with my family. And my dad was like calling him, and he's like, Oh, I guess he's not coming this year, he's not picking up. I guess he has other plans. And I was like, No, call him again. And they're like, No, he's not answering. I couldn't let it go, Jen. I was like, something's wrong. Like, we have to call. So we called like the apartments, and they're like, no, nobody's really seen him. And I was like, I want a wellness check. And they were like, it's only been like a few hours, but I couldn't let go of it. And he had gone into like a diabetic coma and had been there for half a day. Nobody knew. They like got him the insulin and stuff that he needed, but like my body would not let me let go of it.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

And so this is just completely go ahead. Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 21:34

I just but I I these things have happened in my life, and then I get the reading and I'm like, yes, my body gets these things that don't make logical sense. But I'm like, I felt I've saved a kid in a pool. Like the mom is looking at me, and I'm looking this way, and we're talking, and I just jump in, get her daughter out, and she was like, but like something told me to look there and these nudges, and it's like you your brain tries to override it, like, no, what? Like, no. We gotta go to soccer practices this way. No, if you you have to lean in to those feelings. And I didn't really trust it until I got that reading. That's like, no, you're a sacral generator. Your body feels things and you follow that no matter what your brain is telling you. And now looking back, I'm like, yeah, it's always been a thing. But now I have permission to be like, no, that's how now I trust, I trust that, like.

SPEAKER_01 22:23

Oh my gosh, I love that. Now, did you did you learn about the sacral janitor uh beef after you wrote the book, after you had this like awakening? Yes. Okay. So it just further deepened your connection to yourself. It further deepened your trust for yourself. So it's a it's an evolution, which is so beautiful because so you have this publisher who's like, no one's gonna listen to you unless you tell your story. And you resisted, you gave in, and then the world opened up. And then you continue to connect even more deeply to your body by being open to speaking to people like these, like someone who shared this. Um, what did you call it again? The um the sacral generator, but human design. Yes, in the human design, which is I've heard so much about it. And I had a reading like a while ago, but it was a long time ago, and I need to revisit. Um I'm gonna guess that you're a sacral generator because I want to be a sacral generator.

SPEAKER_00 23:21

I would be shocked to hear that you need to like run something by somebody else to have it projected back. Like your bot, you can tell. It gave me a trust to be like somebody else telling me I have this. Now I'm like, I mean, the blue butterfly. Do we talk about why my foundation is called blue butterfly?

SPEAKER_01 23:37

We are gonna talk about that, but wait, hold on a second. There's so many things flying here. Okay, yeah. What's very interesting about what you just said though is that so you got this um, you know, validation sacral janitor. And though, right within that, let's just point out that it was that reading that gave and that acknowledgement of that part of you that gave you the permission to then trust yourself even more. So you have that piece that's also like wanting, we all want validation to a degree. We all want someone to say, like, yes, what you're doing, what you're saying is amazing. It's of service, you're doing great work, da-da-da. Um, so, or your story really matters. So I think that that's also really important too, because yes, that sacral genitor, like we don't necessarily need we're we're listening to the body and we're acting, but we also do it's nice to have that opening and awakening from someone else to give us that validation as well, right?

SPEAKER_00 24:34

Yes, and it's generator, sacral generator is energy. Generator is all about energy, and that is the word that people are like your energy. Like, yeah, I've always heard like energy, energy. So, but yeah, I needed somebody like a professional to be like, and now I've stepped fully into once I got that validation, like, no, this is how you make decisions. That actually makes total sense. And all these things there, they were like, we could talk about your chart for the rest of the day because everything that you're saying is here, and it just made me feel like stand 10 toes down and no, my body feels this, but it did take somebody saying, like, no, energy, body to be like to fully embrace it.

SPEAKER_01 25:12

Yeah. I I I would love to lean into like I want to get into blue butterfly because that's huge. Also, and right before that, I want to just talk about how this has really impacted your service and your leadership in this world, right? Being a voice out there, being an example, giving people that door to walk through. Uh it's me too, me too. I mean, that is leadership of the the highest level. And I I would love for you to just share what that feels like and how that not, I mean, you did speak about this a lot that like when you start listening and when you start activating and when you start speaking your truth, it just opens everything up. But like, how has it really impacted you're doing a podcast? You have this incredible foundation, you're serving so beautifully. So, can you speak to that leadership aspect?

SPEAKER_00 26:05

It it's evolved again. Like squats and margaritas and me thinking I need to help the women from what I've been through and help them find their best bodies. And Jen, I thought I was writing as my highest self. It there's so much more evolution past that. It's like just letting things unfold, getting the body image stuff off. It was like, and pandemic. I was like, I'm drinking too much. I'm drinking every day. Like, let's look at that. And again, it was easy to look at that because that wasn't my big thing. My big thing was bulimia. Getting that off, I was like, ah, so then it was easy. Once the big thing's off, you casually can look at other things. I was like, Yeah, I feel like I'm drinking too much. And other moms would be like, What do you mean? Like it gave permission for other moms to be like, Well, if you're drinking too much, like it's not like you're drinking at home. No, I'm like, No, I'm drinking at home. And it was because I got the big thing off, I could talk vulnerably about the next thing. And then it was like my relationship and have like feeling comfortable, not having this like perfect, oh, we're gray, and posting pictures, make sure my husband's in the pictures, even though we're he's not even living here now. Like, I was like, No, again, everything evolved once I got the big thing off. It was easier to look at everything else, and now I'm not, I'm I'm sharing as I go. Like, I the Aaron P vibe is like you can learn with me. And like, here's what I'm struggling with this week. This person's gonna help me with it. Now you can get the answers. It just evolved further. And then blue butterfly, like remembering back to like when I was anorexic at 16 or bulimic at 20, my mom, God, love her. Like me being a mom now, she just wanted to help me and she was like, I please let me in. But I was so defensive and I was like, you don't get it. And I just believe she doesn't understand. And then if I I did, when it was really out of hand, I did consider going to treatment, but I had this feeling, like I had this picture of a man with a clipboard being like, Tell me about your body image. And I'd be like, You don't get it either. So something like a hit was like, there needs to be a place where women who have been through this like specific thing can go back and share their stories. So a teenage girl will feel seen. And I would have talked to me, a 44-year-old woman that was like, me too. And what we do in our retreats is like, we share, I share on body image uh eating disorders. We have people leaving toxic relationships, sexual identity, whatever it is. So a little a girl, middle school and high school, can sit there, say nothing.

SPEAKER_01 28:22

This is blue butterfly we're talking about. Sorry, yes, it evolved into this.

SPEAKER_00 28:26

Yeah, yes, Blue Butterfly Foundation. We go and we bring women who have been through that same thing. Once we share, you just see their guards go down, and then we go to small groups, and it's like you will kind of gravitate to whoever story kind of impacted you. And the things that they share, because we shared first and because they know we get it, it's magic. And I've started having moms come too in the conversations that the moms are having. Like I've learned, like me and the other moms on the panel. I remember this one girl, she was like, I just feel like I can't talk to you. And the mom is crying. She's like, What can I do to make you talk to me? And she was like, If you could just be like, I've never been a mom before, I don't really know what I'm doing all the time. And that would make me want to talk to you more. And we're all looking, we're like, This is good. Whoa, yeah. So, like, I'll use that with my daughter. I'll be like, I've never been a mommy. Like, I'm trying my best. And she, her guard comes down. So it's like, we're learning. It's like this space that I knew needed to exist that didn't exist. And I know that I went through what I did to make this a thing. Yeah. To put this out into the world that once I'm gone, this is why I was here, because there was no place where a girl would feel comfortable sharing. Because you don't want to tell your mom everything. You don't want to therapy, you're like afraid that they won't understand. I'll understand and I'll share first and tell you where I've been. And then it's like the girls just kind of find their people and you look around and there's these small groups, people are crying and people are connecting, and it's magic. And I wouldn't have been able to put this out into the world if I didn't share the thing, if I would have kept this my pride and be like, no, I've got it all together. I on my first book, I'm like holding a dumbbell and I have abs and it's like I've made it. But I shared it, and it it's this bigger, necessary thing that came out of it that I know I was brought here to do that almost didn't happen if I had kept it in the dark.

SPEAKER_01 30:13

Do you have so much gratitude for yourself?

SPEAKER_00 30:15

Yeah, I never do that. I'm very hard on myself. I have gratitude for okay.

SPEAKER_01 30:20

We need to pause for a moment. You must. I mean, what you're doing for people, you cannot look this, you cannot like rush through this or whatever the word is that I'm a vessel of I'm I mean whatever's supposed to come through me.

SPEAKER_00 30:36

I'm very grateful to be used as a vessel to bring to the world what I'm supposed to bring.

SPEAKER_01 30:41

Yes, there's that. Yes, your gratitude that you're a vessel, but also just like really gratitude for yourself. Like, thank you, me for like thank you for you know having this story and holding this story. Like what you went through when you were younger is it's just it's unbelievable and it's very heavy, and so and it's of such service to the world. And so I I'm I'm grateful for you, and I want you to be grateful for yourself. That is really important that you pause. Like we did before we came on this podcast, we did a little body set and we had a little moment, and that's essential for you, really to keep doing what you're doing. That gratitude for yourself is so important.

SPEAKER_00 31:28

I appreciate that. I need to do that more. I'm always just on to the next day. I know that I'm a little bit maybe too driven to like leave tangible things to the world. I have a children's book coming out, and it's like I will finally feel like I can go to my grave because I have put tangible things out, and now my life mattered. Like, I have that. I need to like give myself a little grace and like chill and not have this like pushing energy to like produce something to make my life. Appreciate yes, my life matter and my the look, there's value. Like I I left a book and a foundation to the world, so now my life had value. I do watch that. Like, I don't want my daughter to live that way, like to validate by like these things that like titles and yeah, tangible things that she left to the world. Like, I I have value, and thank you for pointing that out that I need to like give myself.

SPEAKER_01 32:16

Because you have so much energy and you're gonna continue to produce and create. That's just you, that's what you're gonna do. And a moment to pause and slow down and just really appreciate exactly what's happening because you're gonna continue to do great things. But that that moment to pause, I just think is really important for your soul. So I'll keep reminding you, I'll keep sending you those morning texts or morning, like you know, words of inspiration. Um, I would love to know about, I want to talk a little bit more about these settings for these girls because I have the question, and I'm sure listeners have the question. Are there other professionals in the room? Is it you and the girls? Do the parents are they kind of waiting outside? Like, how does that work?

SPEAKER_00 33:03

Great question. So I have a network of women that I've again evolved through the podcast. Like I'm talking to these women, I'm like, you would be such an asset to Blue Butterfly. Like they're just people doing what I do, showing, sharing their vulnerability, body image, our relationships. And when I hear their stories, I'm like, this would be so beneficial to another girl. So I have like this network of women that have done my show or that I follow on Instagram where I can call on them when we do an event. So there's usually like six people that talk. Um, we'll have sponsors. I usually do sponsors by other women-owned business, like uh paying it forward to the next uh generation of women, like women putting on this event. And we will share almost like each person will share, like do a presentation. Like they'll give their 20-minute speech. Then we'll sit down and have lunch and kind of after they've talked, you could see where they'll kind of gravitate, where the girls will gravitate. Then afterwards, we'll do small groups where wherever you want to go, whoever resonated with you, you'll talk. Okay. Usually things come up in the small group, then we all come back and the all the speakers go on a panel and it's like ask us anything. And that that ends up going like a couple hours because they'll uncover things in a small group. Maybe they'll feel more comfortable, and we bring that to the bigger setting. Um, it's from girls 12 to 20. So if you're drop, I don't want somebody dropping off like a 12 or 13-year-old girl and be like, who's this rando? You're more than welcome to stay as a mother. And I have seen such impact from the moms that stay. And yeah, maybe a 12-year-old doesn't want to be dropped off. I did hesitate because I'm like, maybe they won't feel comfortable sharing if their mom is there. I have not found that to be true. Um, but because they see other girls and they just feel more comfortable. It's like once we it's the format of us sharing first, their guards go down. They come in a little, like, what is this? My mom made me go to this like girls empowerment thing. But when we talk and like there's been women that share and are crying and are vulnerable, and they are like, Okay, she gets it. Like, I would talk to her because I would have talked to me. And so that's how it usually goes. They everybody gives their story, we have lunch together, small group, panel. Moms are welcome to stay. Last time we had a sound bath practitioner, so we all kind of laid and did that. Like though, it could be a wellness element to it. You could do like a body set thing, and I want to take it all over the country. To be honest, like the bandwidth going through a divorce and mediation right now. I'm putting out a children's book. I wish I had more bandwidth. And anybody that's listening to this and wants a blue butterfly event in their city, DM me. I am, I want, I need this to be. This is my life's work. But right now, we haven't done one in a year, and it's mainly because I'm dealing with my marriage with your life.

SPEAKER_01 35:41

I want to hear we're gonna get to that in a second. I want to how did you come up with blue butterfly? How did that title come to be?

SPEAKER_00 35:50

Well, a blue butterfly in the flesh kept coming to my doorstep, and it sounds very like woo-woo. Okay. Every I would look out, and the blue butterfly is on my doorstep. I have like, I don't know, 25 videos on my Instagram of this blue butterfly, and it'd come out and it wouldn't fly away. And I was like, This is so weird. Like, look at this. Sometimes if my kids would come out, they'd be like, Mommy, you're a butterfly. And I'm like, this is so crazy. I'd put it on Instagram, I'd timestamp it, I'd be like, it's back. People would be like, butterflies only live two weeks. I'm like, not this one. Look again, bam. So I'd come out and be like, Hi, how can I help you? Like, this is so crazy. So at that point, I was trying to get a TED talk like you. Um, and I had a coach for that. And she's like, ends up being just like a business coach. She's like, What's happening with the nonprofit for the girls? Like, you need to um get that up and going. And I, in that moment, after it came for like two weeks, I was like, blue butterfly. And she's like, Okay, Janet left. Like it was gone. Like the universe was like, dude, blue butterfly, blue buttons. So now, like, I have if you're watching this, I've got blue butterflies on my body, got blue butterflies everywhere in my uh in my office. That was just a big once I named it blue butterfly, I guess it became like I'll probably see it today. Once you open your eyes to the direction that the universe is giving you, it's like, how long was that blue butterfly out there? And I was just like on my phone. Once you notice it, you almost expect it. And the most knock you over moment, like how I know that I'm supposed to keep going and I'm supposed to do this. I want to share two. I will say somebody was giving their opinion about me leaving to go do an event for other girls where I should maybe be home with my kids. And I should maybe not be doing this because mom should be home. They were kind of getting in my head, and I'm kind of second-guessing myself. Going to the Atlanta airport, like, uh, feeling a little ashamed for leaving my kids to go do this work. Jen, Atlanta airport is the busiest airport in the world. I could have gotten stopped in traffic. I could have stopped to go to the bathroom, tie my shoes. I come through TSA. If you've been to Atlanta, there's 20. So I go through, then I finally get pushed to this line. There's two. I could have gone left or right. I go right. The bin that I pick up to put my shoes in has a new butterfly sticker on the bin. I have four phones. I how could that ever happen? I could have gone any direction. I could have been three people ahead, three people back. I pick it up, and the guy goes, Are you okay? I was like, No, I'm not okay. I take a picture and like my face, my whole body's shaking right now. Like the guidance and direction of like keep going. How in the hell could a blue butterfly sticker been in the bin when I could have gone to any bin? So from that moment, I'm like, somebody is directing this. I'm like, okay. And then I'll see it, like I'll be in traffic. Whenever I'm doubting myself, it'll there'll be like a blue butterfly sticker on a license plate or a car window right in front of me. I've seen it like a girl walk by me at Target with a blue butterfly backpack, and I almost like laugh out loud. I'm like, got it. Like there, someone is up there, whatever you believe, directing you. But I'm telling you, you're looking at your phone. And as soon as you walk in nature or notice something, it's like you can't unsee it. And now I almost expect it. And that is my like I was being directed and I saw it. It's like it was there. And I'm like, this is so crazy, the blue butterfly. And then in the moment, she was like, What do we call it? I name it that my butterfly left. But now it's just been like this guidance that I know I'm supposed to keep going. And even if somebody else was had a different opinion of that, and it's somebody that I really respected their opinion and had kind of gotten to my head that day at last, like this it like trust yourself, trust your body. There are like there's guidance and there are signs, but again, you're looking at your phone, and once you see the signs, uh like there's direction of your path. And it's it could have been there for weeks and I just didn't notice it. But once you start to look for it, it's like put yourself out into the world authentically and organically as you are, and then look for the guidance. And that's what I did, like it just keeps evolving. It was like one book, then the next book. And then during the pandemic, I was just saying, What is everybody doing? I have a two and a four-year-old, and the gyms are closed and the schools are closed, and I was just going live. And a program director was watching me on Instagram, gave me my show. Like I wasn't auditioning, it's like just I'm putting me out into the universe and then just sitting back. And so again, I keep saying, if you have not found something that profoundly lights you up, and you know if you have, maybe it's in that you're you're hiding something, you're dulling something. You have to put 100% you authentically out into the world, then sit back. My show fell in my lap. The the extension of like a nonprofit from my uh conversations with the women that could be mentors. Everything evolved when I got in that dark place. I was vulnerable. The rest of my life opened up and it just continues to evolve. So I named it Blue Butterfly because an actual blue butterfly was coming to my doorstep every day until I got the message and then it left.

SPEAKER_01 41:11

Oh my God. I mean, it is it's so incredible. And I could literally just listen to you talk for like hours because I just think it is you can't say it enough, which is the core of what you're saying, which is open up, lean in to that discomfort, lean into that story that is so dark and deep within you, and know that it's hard. We it's so hard. You've said it, I've said it so many people, but hopefully, this conversation is going to give whoever is listening the permission to begin that journey and to know not everything happens so quickly. You might not hear the signs or find the signs, and it's all not going to happen so fast, or it might, but just to begin with an opening and with the pause and to just allow your truth to be told because it is really the magic, right? It is the gift that keeps on giving if we can look at it in that way. And I just I acknowledge so much though, and I congratulate and I applaud the vulnerability, the courageous vulnerability, because that is fucking hard. It is hard, but to know that there are people like Aaron, like me, and so many others out there. Go ahead, you want to say something.

SPEAKER_00 42:28

You when you said lean into the discomfort, it's only discomfort now. It's only uncomfortable because it's you haven't gotten in there. It won't be anymore. It's not heavy anymore. It's like it's only this heavy thing because you haven't gotten in there and trust that it won't it won't be uncomfortable anymore. It's out, and so it's just kind of like you can live now. It's like, yeah, you know all this about me. I'm it's okay. Like right, it was only scary and dark because and uncomfortable because it was tucked away.

SPEAKER_01 43:00

Like it was tucked away, and we were told, right? We were told the conditioning of the world leads us to that shame. And it is it is voices like you, like me, and so many others to say that shame can be your power, like it really can, believe it or not. And it is true that it's hard at first, and then it gets easier and easier. What gets a little tricky though is when there's other people involved in your story, and then it's like, oh, like your children or your ex-husband, but you have found a way to be vocal no matter what.

SPEAKER_00 43:37

Because I'm I'm living and modeling what I want my kids to be. And if I were to stay in a marriage that no longer was aligned or served me, or just put up with some things that I was putting up with, I would be showing my daughter this is love, this is what mommies and daddies do. And then she would be accepting of that behavior. So that was a final straw for me. It was uncomfortable. You know, to file for divorce. And I had a lot of guilt and shame about my kids going back and forth. But it came down to what I was modeling, and especially my daughter who watches me very intently, what I was accepting of like behaviors. If that was happening to her, I could never imagine. She'd be like, wait, yeah, this is what mommies and daddies do. Or if she was coming home and saying, you know, my boyfriend doesn't really like when I do TV, or he's telling me like I should be home with the like my husband's saying I should be home with the kids. I would never be like, Well, honey, listen to him. You got married. I would be like, Are you kidding me? Like, shine, grow, like that. So, how can I not show her? So I had to do it because she's watching me, and I would never want her to be accepting of the behaviors I was accepting for as long as I did. So think about anybody that's kind of like, yeah, but we got two parents in the home and I'm giving, I'm doing this quote for the kids. Is it actually serving them? Like, what are you showing them? You're not showing them a healthy, loving marriage. And I know you can speak to this as well.

SPEAKER_01 45:01

Absolutely. I went through it myself. And I think again, it comes down to a lot of it comes down to that conditioning and which really speaks to so much of the heart and soul of this podcast. It's like, are we listening to voices outside of ourselves or are we listening to the wisdom from within? Are we, are we really paying attention to the nudges, to the callings, to the to our stories? And and we have to rewire. We have to rewire and know that all of that, all of those voices within us are so intelligent, more intelligent than anyone outside of ourselves. And so, yes, I too lived that experience and I was worried. I'm not saying because I made the decision to leave my marriage as well, I wasn't, I just happened and I was confident about it. I was scared out of my mind. What are my kids going to think? What are other people gonna think? We checked off so many boxes. I totally understand all that pressure. But at the end of the day, just like you, going within and saying, what am I modeling and listening to that true wisdom? I love how many nudges you have listened to inside of your body. And what I find so beautiful is that for so long, and we're not gonna go back to it, I'm just recapping that you didn't for so many years, and sharing your story gives people hope, like, oh, I'm still not, I still don't know how and I still can't pay attention. But Aaron did it like I can get there. So, what would you say to that either 10-year-old, 15-year-old, or 50-year-old that doesn't know how to listen to their body, but knows there's something going on in there? How would you what would you invite them to?

SPEAKER_00 46:42

I just do I just go back to like you are enough. Like you don't need to validate through somebody else. And hearing if you don't feel like you're enough, the nudges and stuff that you're feeling, you're like, well, because you don't trust yourself. Like once you find your value and you stop trying to validate through everything external. I I did it when I first was on Instagram, like followers and comments and viral and all those. Like, if I do that, then I'm important and shiny. And it's such a like you, it's a journey to get to not validate through anything else and just know that you can trust yourself and those nudges. Like, I no, I think the human design, like giving me the permission to be like, no, you do like I thought those things, but it was like I didn't trust that it was like a thing. Like that validated, no, you can trust your body, and this is how your body makes decisions and fall like stepping fully into that. Like now I trust I and I have you can like write things down, like things that you've been through. Like I have proof now that it my body is telling me something, and it's happening now. I'm dating, like I'm getting these things, and it's like, no, but maybe it's just nope. Like, listen to your body, don't try to like over-rationalize what your body like you get these gut, like knowing listen to that. Yes, don't try to like overthink it so that you can have this like connection or dopamine hit when this person texts you back because I get it, and you you haven't had connection and you crave connection, but like your body, you know, knows like you're you know, listen to that and trust that and again do your human design, like your your body makes decisions in a certain way. You have to trust that that's the design of your humanity to like listen to those things, and it's not another person co-signing it or validating it, like you know.

SPEAKER_01 48:38

I love that. Oh my gosh, this is amazing. Tell people where they can find you. How do they get involved with Blue Butterfly, you, your work, your podcast, all the things.

SPEAKER_00 48:51

Yes. Um, I mostly show up on Instagram. I am Aaron Washington. I have an Instagram for the show there, uh, Theron P with Aaron Washington. It's available wherever you get your shows. I had a great guest, Jen Axe, that came out recently that you might like. Um, please subscribe. Um, that comes out every Monday. The blue butterflies is also another Instagram handle where you can DM me, let me know if you want me to come to your city. You can see videos of like past events there. Um, I have a book from Pain to Purpose, Finding Meaning in the Mess. That is available on Amazon. You probably got the story already. We talked about my journey, but it's exactly what we talked about today: how I used to live, how I live now, and how I uncovered my purpose. And coming soon is I'm just like me. Um, it is a children's book about comparison. And my kids are biracial. My daughter is very tall, and she's always talking about how her ponytail doesn't look like somebody else, or she's her shoes are bigger than everybody else. And it's basically like that's the point you are here to be like you and nobody else. And I feel like there wasn't a book that tells kids that at an early age. So that should be coming out in the next couple of months. And I think that's all.

SPEAKER_01 49:59

Okay, I must need to I need to know, I need to promote that. You got to tell me all the things that oh incredible. You are amazing. I thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. You're a beautiful soul, and uh, I just support you a thousand percent. I appreciate you.

SPEAKER_00 50:15

I it's such a pleasure to know you and be in your orbit. And thank you for having me on your show.

SPEAKER_01 50:20

Absolutely. All right, everyone. I'll see you next week for wisdom from within.